Teaching: A slow painful form of suicide
by Heero91
Summary: Having returned to Konoha, Sasuke expected alot of things, renewing his relationships with his old friends and dealing with hostility he expected. Hyuga Hanabi insisting he train her in the ninja arts he did not. Sasuhana one-shot


Disclaimer; I under no stretch of the imagination, cosplaying and mental disorders included, own Naruto. If I did why would I bother writing this fanfic.

Title; Teaching: A slow painful form of suicide.

Chapter One; Hello Sensei

xXxXx

"You're really good." Complemented the younger of the two Hyuga siblings, Hanabi I believe, Naruto had decided to bring along his new girlfriend to our _private_ training session. Hinata in turn had decided to bring her little sister along, because training for life and death encounters seemed like a good fucking way to bond to the damned woman, once again to Naruto and my _private_ training session. Passing by Sakura had seem the group and had decided to join our _private_ training.

Did I mention our training was supposed to be a private training session.

So in short I was pissed off.

"Train me." Commanded the girl walking close enough to me to not only invade but rape my personal space. The girl used such an intimidating glare and projected such a tenacious air of authority I wondered how she could be related to a docile girl like Hinata.

"Piss off runt." I answered the girl, since when has intimidation ever worked on me.

"Train me." Answered the girl once more somehow moving closer to me although since without touching me. Damn creepy woman.

"I'm done for the day!" I spoke aloud to everybody as I gathered my stuff to leave, it wasn't like this training session could in anyway be beneficial to me.

Walking home I noticed the Hyuga girl taking the same route as me, valiantly or should I say desperately I tried to rationalise her following me into anything other than a new fangirl joining the ranks of my already formidable and very frightening fan club.

She didn't live in the Hyuga estate, she's just enjoying the good weather, she has to pick up some groceries, she left the stove on...at a friend's house, despite having lived in the village for about eighteen years the girl has gotten lost and finally the most amusing of all my reasoning a dog had informed her of a boy trapped in a well and she's on her way to help.

Finally I arrived at the Uchiha Estate, AN empty part of the village, and with the troublesome girl still trailing after me this seemed to confirm my suspicions.

I had picked up another quite dedicated stalker.

Damn.

Grumbling about stalkers, troublesome women and ,upon seeing several ugly and brightly decorated love letters adorning my front door, arts and crafts stores; I entered in hopes of maybe having a nice meal, reading a good scroll and maybe a little meditation.

Instead after about five minutes, just enough time to decide on what I want for dinner, a loud knocking came at my door.

Probably Naruto trying to get me to go out for Ramen with him again, and he'll conveniently have forgotten his wallet just like last time.

Or maybe he'll try dragging me on a double date with him and Hinata, mainly because Sakura has _convinced_ him to.

"Train me!" exclaimed the young Hyuga once more...perhaps I should kill her.

"No." I answered resisting the urge to slam to door and simply closing it just a _little_ forcefully instead locking it behind me, if anyone else came around I wasn't home.

I returned to my kitchen and gathered the ingredients for my food, it was around this time I heard a sharp click, several soft footsteps and finally.

"Teach me Uchiha." Requested the girl again, that's right other ninja's besides me can pick locks.

Spending so much time with one trick ponies like Sakura and Naruto one tends to forget, although it was nice to be made feel so special.

"So you broke into my house to convince me?" I asked with a raised eyebrow, ignoring the girl and going about preparing my meal, I suppose it is a handy ninja skill; hardly impressive though.

"Yes. So Train me Uchiha." Replied the obviously dedicated girl. I took a moment to consider the best way stop the girl from bothering me.

"You know what, I'll teach you, but on one condition." I told the girl raising my index finger to emphasise my single condition.

"How?" asked the girl, for a Hyuga she sure wasn't eloquent; most likely she was raised a warrior and not a Politician from what Naruto's told me of Hinata, whilst being under the influence, Hiashi had discouraged his eldest from physical training. Maybe he hoped she would pursue politics instead giving him one political heir and one military heir.

"Test's to make sure you're worthy." I answered, this would get that damn girl of my back.

"Of course, How many of these tests will there be?" asked the girl a look of surprise on her face at my sudden change of heart.

"Let's say three." I answered continuing with preparing my dinner.

"What is the first test Uchiha-sensei?" asked the young Hyuga with a polite bow. Someone had defiantly trained/programmed that girl well.

"Don't get ahead of yourself, and call me Sasuke." I told the girl only to have her bow in response.

"Alright for your first test, you know the river that runs through Konoha, I want you to bring me back a fish caught from that river." I informed the girl, an impossible task seeing as there were no fish in that particular river.

Konoha was located so far down stream on the river that barbarian settlements as well as samurai villages fish away all the fish long before the river reaches us.

"I'll be back Sasuke." Announced the girl dashing out of the kitchen and hopefully out of my life.

I wonder if I had enough time to see a locksmith before she gave up and decided to return and strong arm me into teaching her.

Best send a shadow clone to make sure she doesn't cheat.

Five minutes later using the telepathic link we shared my clone informed me that the Hyuga girl had begun fishing at the river in Konoha.

Twenty minutes after that the clone informed me that, having tired of regular fishing, the girl had stripped down to her underwear and dived into the river. Causing a nearby Kiba to choke and spew up his food.

I chuckled a little at the last part.

Ten minutes later still after I had finished me dinner the clone informed me that the girl had climbed out of the river, this time more than startling Naruto and Hinata, with a fish firmly caught in one hand.

...

How the hell.

xXxXx

Shikamaru's Pov-

"Um Ino? What happened to my fish?" I asked upon noticing my now empty fish tank and my usually pleasant but occasionally easily upset and vengeful girlfriends annoyed frown.

Suddenly the image of the girl slaughtering and cooking my poor pets for an obscure and probably imagined reason.

"I saw you with that Sand bitch today." Spoke the blond, frowning deeper still.

"I was assigned a delegation mission Ino, what happened to the fish?" I asked fearing the answer now.

"Well Shikamaru since you didn't listen to me and probably fucked the whore I decided to punish you." Answered Ino, standing up and smiling sweetly at me.

At least my fish were in a better place now.

xXxXx

Sasuke's Pov-

"What's my second test Sasuke-sensei ?" asked the girl after she had returned and repicked my front door, troublesome woman.

"I thought I said not to get ahead of yourself." I told her once more looking up from the book I was reading.

"Alright then you've earned the right to attempt my second test." I began, god only knows how though.

"You know the copy ninja Hatake Kakashi correct? I want you to obtain for me his copy of Make out Destiny." I informed the girl, what she didn't know was that Kakashi had been right before the climax of the novel right before he was called into a village meeting.

He had told me that he wanted nothing more than to get home, probably take a nice bath as was his habit after a boring meeting, and finish his book.

There was no way Hanabi would obtain that book without first murdering Kakashi.

It was a win-win situation for me, either Hanabi wouldn't get the book and would stop annoying me or Kakashi would be dead.

Why would I want Kakashi dead, well he did get me a pretty bad present for my birthday this year...a male stripper.

But that's enough about that.

"Understood Sasuke." The girl accepted the mission happily once again speeding out of my home and hopefully my life too.

Maybe a deadbolt would keep her out better.

xXxXx

Kakashi's Pov-

Ah nothing like getting out of a nice bath after the most boring Village meeting in the history of Konoha to know that waiting for me was the climax of one of the greatest books ever written.

Just thinking about it gave me Goosebumps.

I was so happy until coming out of the bathroom I discovered that my copy of Make Out Destiny was missing.

It was not on its designated alter where I had left it next to its brothers and the window was left slightly ajar despite the fact I distinctly remember closing and locking it.

I had been robbed.

Quickly so as not to let the crook get any further away I summoned my ninja dogs and left my apartment straight away on the search.

I didn't even bother changing out of my towel into something more decent.

xXxXx

Sasuke's Pov-

"I've got it Sasuke." The younger prodigy informed me handing me Kakashi's most prized possession, no blood on the cover that's surprising.

"Well done I suppose." I offered the girl taking the book rather awkwardly, what was I supposed to do with the damned thing.

"So what is my last test...Sasuke-sensei?" asked Hanabi, a sly smirk gracing her features, I gave her a withering glace in return.

That's right, her last test...and that fucking deadbolt didn't do anything.

I took a minute to think, what could trump this girl's so far indomitable luck. I'd seen her at training she had only basic ninjutsu and Genjutsu, she only had basic weapon skills and Hyuga taijutsu; although that was incredibly developed.

Despite no eloquence in her speech and her rather blunt and tenacious social skills she seemed to be incredibly resourceful and martially intelligent.

"You're final test is to acquire a bra of the fifth Hokage's slug princess Tsunade, and then you must place that article of clothing on the Hokage in training Uzumaki Naruto. If you can before the night is over I will train you. Okay?" I spoke, the girl actually blushed when I said the word bra, this was my last chance to avoid teaching the girl without having to fake my death.

"I'll be back soon Sasuke." Stated Hanabi disappearing out of view to go complete her mission.

Nothing to do for the rest of the night I looked at the book in my hands...I always did wonder what Kakashi found so interesting about these titles.

"You thieving Bastard!" came a sudden shout from behind me, I only had enough time to turn around before I was suddenly tackled to the floor.

Looking up I was amazingly shocked/disgusted to find Kakashi now straddling me, only wearing a towel, now clutching his precious book and muttering happily under his breath.

Knock knock.

"Sasuke-kun are you home, I was wondering if you wa-" Sakura suddenly quieted down upon seeing the suggestive position that myself and Kakashi were in, it didn't help that Kakashi's facial expression was actually orgasmic, probably from being reunited with his precious book.

"You know this kind of thing wouldn't happen if you learned to knock." I told the girl before she promptly fainted, probably should have said something a little more comforting than that; it might have even been better to just keep quiet.

Maybe that whole faking my own death thing is a good idea after all, especially if I take out the whole fake part.

xXxXx

Sasuke's Pov-

It was just slightly before midnight when I was heading up to bed I found the young Hyuga girl fast asleep on my couch.

I suppose she was kinda cute, she looked more vulnerable like this, when she wasn't tensed up.

I then noticed a slip of paper in her left hand, upon closer inspection I found that it was in fact a photograph.

Of Naruto in a large Bra.

I wouldn't know for sure that it was Tsunade's for sure until morning.

"Unbelievable." I muttered under my breath tucking the picture under my arm for future use.

I glanced at her again resting on my couch, I knew from experience that it wasn't too comfortable; Naruto had been over one day on a ramen high and had broken several springs jumping on it.

"Well she is my student now." I muttered with noticeable resentment in my voice.

I picked the girl up, I did have a spare room after all.

Damned annoying cute girl.

xXxXx

Yeah I wanted to write something really light hearted and kind of silly, I'm working on my other stories between project work at the moment hopefully I'll update them soon.

I may turn this into a series if enough people like it.

Please Review.

R&R


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